Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Vatican Dress Code?

As I have begun my preparations for the conclave, I have been reading up on the latest from Rome, to figure out what to expect there. I've been very discomforted to find a November, 2012article in LA STAMPA about the new "dress code" being forced upon the clergy while attending clerical function.

Sad to say, it looks like it is sayanora to past events like "Hawaiian Shirt Night" or Pajama Day at the conclave. These have been sources of fun and team-building for the clergy.

The call is for a cassock with appropriate colored sash or buttons or a Priest's suit. Maybe we can do a Truman Capote style black and white ball.

Frank and Mia putting on the Ritz in 1968

Monday, February 11, 2013

OMG! OMG! Pope Benny to step down!!!

If ever there was a place and time on the internet for the term "OMG!", it certainly must be now. This morning, the Vatican announced that Pope Benedict would be stepping down at the end of February. The world was rocked this morning as the Papal Press Liaison issued the news.
Plain to see, it is time to refresh, revive and resurrect this blog I began during the conclave that elected Benedict back in 2005.
And, I know you are all wondering...


My brothers and sisters in the Lord, you must indulge me with some time to develop my plans around this issue. Do I have enough good strong years left to accept the mantle of Pontiff? Is God calling me to this role? In the battle of good vs. evil, who won?
I've scheduled meetings this week with my Campaign Management Team, er, I mean my Spiritual Advisors. I am today establishing an Exploratory Committee to begin to search my soul to see if I am ready, willing and able to wear the Shoes of St. Peter. LOL! Of course I am...

Your humble and obedient servant.


Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Regrets...I have a few...

Those two-timing SOBs...Ratzinger by a rat's whisker.

But then again...too few to mention.

Catch ya on the next con...


The Xelli bandwagon is ...

We're really picking up steam. Your humble blogspondent is inching up in the numbers. Again, no details under threat of excommunication, but things are looking good.

Pray for me, or send a check along to the Xelli-PAC.

I think the longer the black smoke the better my chances.

While there is no room for quid pro quo trading of votes for indulgences, I have made it known that the Xelli platform includes

  • Internet masses count for Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation.
  • Miraculous items bought on eBay do not have "powers."
  • We'll take a music lesson or three from the Baptists.
  • All Cardinals get new Swedish "housekeepers."

So completes the morning of Day 2. Ten more prayers, two more votes, and another plate of pasta.


Day 2

I've been quite busy visiting and talking and praying with my brother Cards. Yesterday's vote brought a huge surprize that, frankly, forced me to reconsider the manner in which I am approaching this conclave.

Following the vote yesterday, the Suspicious Ones, announced the tally. You cannot begin to imagine my amazement that I, your humble and obedient servant, Xelli managed to garner a small handful of votes.

Where this all came from, I cannot be certain. Under penalty of excommunication, I cannot give the exact vote, however, the count gave me enough cred that some of the others are buddying up to me. Even old Ratzinger, the disdain for whom I can barely contain, offered me his dinner roll at supper. "Would you like my crescent, old friend?" he asked. "I'm on Atkins and the pasta alone is going to bring me down." I declined, of course. I cannot afford to be beholding to anyone if the miraculous should occur and I become the next Pope.

I guess I should start thinking about a name; just in case. I cannot be John Paul 3, that would be too bland, to repetitive; half the Catholics in the world have never known a pope named anything else. We've got to give them something to get excited about.

I've narrowed it down to a couple...
Pope Mel - in respect for the cinematic auteur Mel Gibson whose vision of the passion of the Christ brought pain and upset to millions.
Pope Iel - in respect for Ron Popiel, whose Pocket Fisherman, Dice-o-Matic and other products have improved life inside and outside the home for millions....

My top choice right now, though, has to be Pope George Bush, in honor of the man who is singlehandedly restoring Christianity to its rightful place as the "official" religion of the most powerful country in the world.

During our discussions yesterday, I spotted two Cards. wearing Ipods. One can only wonder what 10,000 hymns they have packed it up with. At least most of them are in the public domain so there isn't much worry about the RIAA going after them. I wonder... would we allow a sheriff in to serve papers on one of our kind? The doors are sealed (sort of) (metaphorically).

As you can see from yesterday's news, I'm apparently not the only one who has difficulty keeping the smoke coloring straight in my mind. The burning committee apparently went back and forth over the wet straw question. From the few media accounts we have received, there was much confusion in the square over the smoke color.

Must run now...I have to put my campaign brochure on all of the desks in the hall. Luckily there is a color copier in the building.

In the name of all that is good and Christly,
In the name of the providence of God, our father.
In the name of the spirit, wind of truth on the wings of a dove.
Vote Xelli.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Now what was it again...?

I always forget...is it white smoke means we elected a new Pope? or black smoke?
And what do we mix in with the ballots to color the smoke correctly?
Now, wouldn't it be a lot simpler if we mixed in a couple of handfuls of bottle rockets when the vote is successful? That would tell the world, huh?

Burning the ballots like that kind of eliminates the possibility of a recount.

Anyway, I'm going to have to emigrate to the lavatorium when they start to appoint the burn committee. That ought to keep me out of that trouble.

Ah...I hear the klaxon summoning us to the conclave.

Hugs and kisses and prayers...

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Trouble in a strange bed

Having a bit of trouble sleeping…this Conclaving should be tiring me right out, but here I am, tossing and turning like a rabbit on methedrine. I should have joined in the drinking a little more. Another couple of glasses of wine, and I wouldn’t be here whining.

You’d have thought that when John Paul II poured $20,000,000 into improving this inn, he would’ve put in a minibar. My American Express is good.

Note to self: Pack extra liquor next time.

It is in these trying early hours of the morning, I really miss Marguerite Magdelena, my faithful and attractive housekeeper. It is so hard…being away from the comforts of home.

Praying for sleep, even if it requires Divine Intervention….
Sleepy Xelli

Dinner and show....

Settling in for the night…a couple of thoughts, dear blog readers…

The evening’s entertainment consisted of reading, prayer and thought, interrupted for a spell when a few of the guys did a little musical comedy routine they coyly called “The Ladies in Red.” Much raucous laughter. Two of the so-called front runners were conspicuously absent from the group, Italians the both.

The biggest comedian in the Card. Crew laid down some serious trash talk about of our dearly beloved and departed brother Wotyla, as well as about many of us. I was spared the lance of his joshing only by my anonymity.

It is these times, as I settle into sleep that the enormity of our task weighs on me like some iron torture device from the Inquisition. I thank my lucky stars for the good brother Cameltonius, who ensured that I was well stocked with anti-depressants before my journey to Rome.

In the name of all that is Sacred, blest and holy.
Your humble correspondent…yaddda-yadda-yadda.

Just got in

Hi, there readers! This is Cardinal XXXXXX XXXXX-elli, reporting from inside the Papal Election Conclave.

We’re all getting settled in at the new Hotel JP2 here in the Vatican, and I thought I’d use my new USBluetooth enabled PDA to send word about the goings-on in here. I know this is supposed to be highly secure and checked by “technicians of trusted character.” But, what the hey I’m getting four bars so why not let ‘er rip…

We had a wonderful lamb consomme to open tonights dinner, followed up with a kind of Greek-ish salad (a tip of the hat to the Constantinopalians) with greens, feta and olives. The main course was chicken nuggets and fries, a traditional favorite of our dearly beloved and departed brother Wotyla. And, for desert, we had make-your-own-sundaes. The winner was Card. Victorius Secretus with his Crucifixation in Tootsie Rolls and Oreo crumbs…

Hot topix at the dinner table…How can we make the next popemobile more accessible to the Catholic youth of today? What would Jesus do about asking for second helpings? Is there any amongst us who can stop ol’ Ratzass-inger?

In nominae Patria, Filia, Espiritu Sancti…
Blah-blah-blah, Amen…